Coping with the loss of a pet

Losing a pet hurts this much because of how much of your day they were part of. The grief is real, it is in proportion to the loss, and there is no date by which it should be over. Most people find the sharpest part eases over weeks to months, in waves and not in a straight line.

What helps is mostly ordinary: letting yourself be sad, keeping some routine, talking to people who understand, and getting more support if the weight is not lifting.

What grief over the loss of a pet feels like

• Crying without warning, sometimes weeks later.
• Trouble sleeping, eating or concentrating.
• Habit moments: reaching for the leash, listening for them at the door, thinking you saw or heard them.
• Guilt, and going over the last days again and again.
• Anger at the illness, the vet or yourself.
• Relief, if the illness was long, and then guilt about the relief.
• Numbness, or feeling nothing much at first.
• Loneliness, especially if you live alone or your pet set the shape of your day.

All of these are common. None of them means something is wrong with you.

Pet loss can also be lonely in a particular way, because the people around you may not treat it as a real bereavement. Grief counselors sometimes call this disenfranchised grief: a loss that others do not fully recognize. Their not recognizing it does not make it smaller.

How long does it last?

There is no fixed timeline. For many people the first days and weeks are the heaviest, and over the following months the bad moments come further apart. It often comes back at anniversaries, at the first change of season, or when you find a toy under the sofa.

An old pet may have been part of your routine for well over a decade. It is reasonable for that to take a long time to settle, and comparing your pace with anyone else's is not useful.

Grieving the loss of a pet after euthanasia

Guilt is the most common part of grief after euthanasia. It usually runs as a loop: it was too soon and you took good days away, or it was too late and you let them suffer. Many people think both in the same hour.

Some honest points about that loop:

• There was rarely one right day. Decline in an old or ill pet is uneven, with good days mixed into bad weeks. You chose with what you knew then. Hindsight gives you information you did not have.
• You did not decide alone. Euthanasia is only carried out by a veterinarian, who examined your pet and agreed to go ahead. You can ask them directly whether they thought the timing was reasonable.
• Memory edits. After a death, people tend to remember the good days and forget the bad nights. Writing down what the last few weeks were really like can correct the picture.
• Guilt is not evidence. Feeling guilty after a death is common even when nothing was done wrong.

If the loop will not stop, ask your vet to go through what was happening medically. Most are willing. It can also help to read a quality-of-life scale for dogs or cats with your pet's last week in mind, or our guide on when to say goodbye.

If something you saw at the appointment is troubling you, such as a movement or a breath afterwards, these are usually reflexes. They are explained in what happens during pet euthanasia. If you were not in the room, that is a common regret too. The veterinary team stays with a pet throughout, and sedation is normally given first.

How to cope in the first days and weeks

• Cover the basics. Eat, sleep when you can, and get outside once a day.
• Tell people. Say plainly that your pet died. If you need a day off work, ask for it.
• Keep some structure. The gaps where the walk or the feeding used to be are the hardest parts of the day. Many people find it helps to take the walk anyway.
• Deal with their things in your own time. You do not have to pack away the bed and bowls today, and you do not have to keep them out forever. Putting them in a box to decide on later is fine.
• Do not rush decisions about remains. Ashes can wait until you know what you want. If your pet has just died, see what to do when your pet dies at home.
• Make something. Print photos, write down the habits you want to remember, plant something, or give unopened food to a shelter.
• Put off big decisions. That includes getting another pet.

Helping children

• Use plain, true words: died, his body stopped working, he will not come back.
• Avoid "put to sleep", "went away" and "lost". Young children take these literally and may become afraid of sleep or wait for the pet to return.
• For euthanasia, something like "the vet helped her die peacefully so she would not hurt anymore" is honest and enough.
• Answer questions briefly and truthfully, including "I do not know". Expect the same question several times.
• Let them see that you are sad too.
• Include them: drawing a picture, choosing a photo, helping to bury or scatter the ashes.
• Tell young children that nothing they did or thought caused it.
• Let their teacher know. If a child is still very distressed after several weeks, talk to their doctor or a school counselor.

Helping your other pets

Surviving pets often change for a while. They may search the house, cling or withdraw, eat less, sleep more or call out. Whether that is grief as we mean it is not known, but they have lost a companion and a routine, and they are reading you.

Keep meals and walks at the usual times and add some extra attention and play. Do not bring in a new animal just for their sake.

Call your vet if a pet stops eating, and do not wait more than a day with a cat. Call too if the changes last more than a couple of weeks. In an older animal the cause may be illness and not grief.

Pet loss support: groups, phone lines and counselors

• Pet loss support groups. Free or low-cost meetings, in person or online, run by veterinary hospitals, animal shelters, hospices and counselors. To find one near you, ask your vet clinic, your cremation provider, a local shelter or the nearest veterinary school.
• Pet loss support lines. Some veterinary schools and animal welfare organizations run phone or chat lines, often staffed by trained volunteers. Hours are usually limited. They offer a listening ear, not therapy or emergency help.
• Grief counselors and therapists. Some specialize in pet loss, and a good grief counselor will take it seriously either way. Some large veterinary hospitals have social workers on staff. Your doctor, health insurer or employee assistance program can help you find someone.
• People who have been through it. A friend who has lost a pet is often the easiest person to talk to. If the people around you do not know what to say, you can send them what to say when someone loses a pet.

We do not list individual groups or phone numbers because hours and availability change. Your vet clinic is the best starting point for what is running in your area now.

When grief needs more support

Talk to your doctor or a licensed mental health professional if:

• You cannot manage work, childcare or basic self-care after the first few weeks.
• Nothing has eased after a couple of months, or it is getting worse.
• You are not sleeping or eating enough to function.
• You are drinking more, or leaning on medication, to get through the day.
• Guilt or self-blame fills most of your day.
• Earlier depression or anxiety is coming back.

Asking for help with this is not an overreaction. If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, contact a crisis line or emergency services now; in the US, call or text 988.

When to think about another pet

There is no correct waiting period. Some people are ready in weeks, some in years, and some decide not to. A few checks help:

• You want this animal for itself, not as a replacement or a fix for the grief.
• Everyone in the household is ready, not just one person.
• You have the time, energy and money for it now.
• Your other pets are settled enough to cope with a newcomer.

A new pet will not be the same animal, and having one does not mean you have forgotten the last. If an older animal appeals to you, see our guides to adopting a senior dog and adopting a senior cat.

This article is general educational information about pet loss. It is not medical, mental health or veterinary advice. If your grief is affecting your health or your ability to function, speak to a doctor or licensed mental health professional, and take any concerns about a surviving pet to your veterinarian. In a crisis, contact emergency services or a crisis line.